I have issues with shopping. I imagine my sister-in-law, Alexis, gasping in shock when I admit publicly to the blogosphere that I...do not like shopping. I can do generic shopping where I'm just wandering around and casually "looking." This kind of shopping has no expected result, and therefore very little emotion invested into it and thus, is never disappointing. It is also on these trips that I always seem to find stuff that I'm willing to buy. However, shopping for a specific item fills me with a sense of dread that causes me to, upon entering any facility profiting from the sale of apparel, lose all motivation and drive. I immediately want to go find an Orange Julius and Auntie Anne's and call my trip to the mall a pseudo-success. This very visceral reaction to shopping is a direct result of years of pursuing the following items and being thwarted 90% of the time by the following challenges:
Shoe shopping: size 11 feet.
Jean shopping: hips, thighs, but no tummy. This apparently causes confusion for jean designers.
Skirt shopping: must be A-line, and I kind of don't like most skirts I see. Unless they're being worn by someone else, in which case I'm insanely jealous because it's the cutest thing I've ever seen, but they bought it 6 months ago in a London boutique.
Bra shopping: obvious.
Bathing suit shopping: long torso, previous obscure reference to chest size, unfortunately combined with total aversion to padded suits with built-in chests.
Clothes shopping: lack of trendiness, fashion sense, or style, combined with a slight resistance to actually being trendy or exhibiting too much fashion sense or style, combined with a slight attraction to active wear, of the sort you might find at REI...combined with a lack of funds and/or willingness to spend existing funds on clothes that won't fit quite right anyway.
One thing I have total success with: white athletic socks.
I also totally avoid salespeople. When they ask me anything, I am always "just looking," even if really what I want is a camel-colored open-toed slingback wedge heel in a size 11. I do not want you to bring out "similar styles" when you inevitably do not have what I want. They are never similar. I did not ask you to bring out that particular hideous monstrosity in the first place because when I saw it on display I HATED IT. I do not want your padded bras that you think I want because nobody could possibly not mind being small-chested. And push-ups do nothing IF THERE'S NOTHING TO PUSH UP. I do not want the jeans that are really popular (unless you work for Lucky, in which case you are a skilled jean-fitting goddess), because, unlike Beyonce and everyone else, I'd like to bend over without flashing my butt crack like it's supposed to be seen. So just stay away from me until I need you for your key to open the dressing room. Which brings me to ask - why do you lock the dressing room? Do you not actually want me to try this on? Do you want me to wander around, searching for an available, key-carrying "sales associate" until I'm so annoyed that I drop my clothes that are not actually what I'm looking for and won't fit anyway because I apparently have a weird body and then leave your store without you profiting a penny from the whole non-exchange?
Ugh. I'm so irritated right now.
7 comments:
So, after reading and laughing through this post, I still don't know if you actually bought anything!?
Amen, amen, amen and amen! I am sooo with you sister! And yes, you can call me eeee anytime. I feel every bit of your pain...sorry if I had a good laugh at this though! How long are you in Seattle...because I would love to meet your for orange julius and Antie Annes (never go to the mall without them). I get into town on the 23rd???? Teri
ahh, someone who understands my shopping anxiety. I hear you, sister.
And now, a word about Auntie Anne's. Here, way out in the suburbs of Queens, we actually have a real live mall. A mall! I have been there exactly twice. And each time I HAD to have a pretzel. (I guess the equivalent of Auntie Anne's here is Pretzel Tyme. Why Tyme? Who knows?) I'm telling you, they are impossible to resist. Malls are evil.
stop hatin'
See, I have some similar problems with shopping... but only because i'm in Korea... oh but not that bra problem... cuz you know i don't usually shop for those. keke. I can get pants here cuz they are too short... and too small... and the sizes are not the same as america ~~;; i swear i still wear a 32 but here in korea the guy just laughs gives me a gental little pinch on the love handles... and the laughs again. sad day. Sooooo I get my pants in the states. Oh yeah right, its your blog, I think your story was better anyhow.
So...if you come to DC, you're going to let me meet up with you, right? Or come visit me? Or, in some way, let me see you!!!?? And by the way, I am a big fan of your blog and love it when you update!
You're right. Funny.
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